A good for nothing, short-tempered, impatient, ugly and always a scared person.
These are the exact words I use when I am not at all satisfied the way things have turned up few moments ago. Before you jump into any conclusion about my use of such rude words towards someone , then let me clarify something. The person whom I curse every time with these harsh words when things go wrong is – ME & MYSELF .You must be wondering ,’How could a person say such ill words to oneself?’ The reason for having such nature goes back to the days when I was a small kid.
I was (and still am) an introvert person. Socialising and making new friends has always been a challenge for me since my tender age. This reclusive attitude used to draw enough flak from my so called ‘near and dear ones’ (I would have loved to take names here , but I don’t want to).
What is she going to do in her life with such reserved nature? Are you dumb ? Why can’t you just talk a few words ? How are you going to manage yourself when you grow up? Look at the other kids of your age- they are good in studies ,painting, and other extra-curricular activities, know how to do things on their own ; and there you are- standing like a good for nothing person.
When you listen to such criticism about yourself , then you are bound to feel low. I couldn’t trust my feelings with these important people in my life. That was also a problem for them.
Why are you crying ? Are you a fool ? Can’t we say anything to you ? Why can’t you smile – always roaming with a gloomy face.
When you hear such awful things about yourself in your growing years (and even after growing up) , then development of such self-criticising mindset is quite possible. And the irony of life is , whatever you listen or hear about yourself, you unknowingly feel and act likewise. Till date, the above mentioned opinions rule most of my decisions and actions in life. No matter how much I try to motivate myself by reading positive quotes or saying ‘People around can’t judge me just like that.I am good enough to achieve what I want’. But my childhood reviews play like a broken record in my head. This has ultimately taken a toll on my behaviour as well.
Whenever I don’t succeed to complete a simple task or anyone doesn’t meet up to my expectations, then my first reaction is to get restless and start fussing about the failure. The second reaction is to utter the words mentioned in the beginning of the post. People who don’t know my past can’t understand where this backlash and anger is coming from.They start misjudging me. So, you see the cycle of misunderstandings and negativity continues. It strikes me much later that things could have been confronted in a better way.But, then the damage is already done. Why should the special people in my life suffer at present for what I had faced in my past? I know what it feels like to be condemned and not appreciated much.
The only things that I have always loved to do is reading books or daydreaming. I enjoyed doing these activities as they took me away from reality and I could be there just the way I am. Still, somewhere the cycle of ‘not that much needed’ judgements and ‘not helping even a single bit’ notion needs to break . If I can become a mother someday , then I never want my child to face the wrath of constant criticism and low self-esteem. My child will be confident about him/her(self) and know that he/she has the ability to accomplish the best things in life. I want to be the constant source of inspiration for my child. Now, this can happen only when I:
- Allow myself to see the brighter sides of life.
- Focus more on my inner strengths and grow into a fulfilled person.
- Stop worrying about future and try to face the challenges with a positive spirit.
- Expect less from others as none can be 100% perfect.
- Don’t aim to make everyone happy.
- Stay away from negative minded people.
- Learn to accept my mistakes.
- Value and be grateful for the people I have in my life.
- Carry on the responsibilities that are expected from me.
- Do my best and leave rest for the Almighty.
Hope I overcome my self-criticising nature and become the person I want to be.